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With a deadline looming, yesterday was earmarked as the occasion in which to make a dent in the hundreds of reports I have to get done for my brother.

Angel had very kindly taken it upon herself to assist me in the afternoons last week; and had completed all the grade 000, grade 00 and half of the grade 0′s.  This left me with the remaining grade 0′s, grade 1′s, grade’s 2′s and grade 3′s.  Whilst she offered out of the goodness of her hears [bless my little girl], I paid her R100.00 for sacrificing her afternoons for me.

Knowing that on a Monday night I’m going to be absolutely exhausted from the blue work day, and on Saturday I was attending my first social outing in eight months; Sunday was the only day in which to get the remainder of the reports done.

However, the sun shone brightly; and with all the rains and thunderstorms we’ve been experiencing lately; I realised that it may be my only opportunity to catch some rays for a while. So instead of booting up my laptop, I donned my leopard print bikini [the IWTWLPDB has retired from overuse] with matching accessories.

After packing my weekender LV bag with a bottle of home-made tanning lotion, a Jodi Picoult novel [Nineteen Minutes - 50c from the local Hospice shop and not for the faint of heart]; a brown towel to compliment the bikini and bag; I was set to head to the swimming pool.

However, before making my great escape, I was confronted and thereby grounded by a very unwelcome hairy visitor.

Rain Spider

Please note that I did not take this photo. I would have to get up close and personal in order to get such a shot and I can assure you that wouldn’t happen in this lifetime. However, this pic stolen off the net is an exact likeness of my arch-enemy arachnid.

Mr Rain Spider was standing guard above my front door; obviously lying in wait for my imminent departure however there was absolutely no way I was going to chance unlocking latches and turning keys beneath this monster. Hell to the no! I had visions of him jumping on my head and then clawing his way around my bikini, attempting to untie the strings with his hair legs. *shudder*

I wasn’t able to exist via the back door either as Star uses that door for his entry and egress and was out and about with the keys. Dammit!

With no way of safely exiting the house, I was forced to remain home and type out the time consuming reports; but not before some furniture rearranging.

You see, the couch on which I usually sit and work from is precariously close to the front door; but doesn’t face the door; and I wasn’t going to chance the rain spider attacking me unawares. So I turned the seat around so that I could keep all eight legs in my sights but far enough from the door so as not to be in harms way.

When Star arrived home several hours later, he attempted to gain access through the front door. I informed him, by screaming from the other side of the lounge as I wasn’t about to decrease my safe distance, that he had to go around as I was under attack.

Shortly thereafter Star and several of his crew members entered the house through the back door and ran to my rescue.  Until they saw the spider. Jeez, some of those boys screamed louder than I did!

They were then tasked with the safe removal of spidey.  Whilst I have a severe case of arachnophobia, my Buddhist beliefs don’t permit me to murder even the most heinous of insects [I might have to convert to a more permissible religion] and so killing it was not an option.

And so the tools were located; a step-ladder, broom and bucket.  Star refused to do the dirty deed claiming he was too short to reach the spider [um, ladder plus broom?], [F] also declined, as did another resident guy in the complex.  This left the new kid on the block. The guys told him to think of it as an initiation, bwahahaha!

Star went as far as unlocking and opening the front door, [F] placed the ladder and bucket below the door frame, and the new guy was handed the broom and literally pushed up the ladder.

The plan was to gently nudge the spider so that it would fall into the bucket below; however when the edge of the broom touched the spider, instead of falling downwards; he spread his multiple legs out in attack mode.

I screamed blue murder, the boy fell back off the ladder onto his waiting friends and wouldn’t you know … one of the hairy limbs of the spider shot off. I have no idea if spiders are able to voluntarily expend of their extendables; or whether it was injured in the slight brush; but the sight of a very long hairy spider leg shooting off the wall was terribly traumatising for me!

Needless to say, Star’s friend refused to return to the ladder and I was almost in tears at this stage, with fears of the spider seeking his revenge at night by calling all his friends and relatives in the neighbourhood to do away with me.

The boys were quite ready to call it a day, but with my threats of “if it comes for me, you’re all going down too”, the poor boy was handed an old three meter transition bar that was left behind from the recarpeting of my lounge; and edged closer to the door.

The bar went up, the spider came down and landed square in the bucket.  Boys and bucket were promptly evicted from the premises with instructions to relocate the spider very very very far away from my house.

I still shudder even thinking about the experience. I run from little daddy long-legs, so be confronted by such a giant monster was absolutely terrifying; but at least I got through most of the report cards; with only the grade 3′s remaining.

As for the new kid … he has since been dubbed Spider Man!

~ ♦ ~

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