Life has changed so much that I often feel as though it’s no longer mine.
Some of it seemingly too good to be true – taking into consideration my disastrous past when it came to relationships – it’s rather ironic that the most perfect aspect of my life is now the Love part. 110 days and still going strong – not so much as a fight, an argument nor even a disagreement. If ever I wished for the perfect man, I pretty much got him.
Some of nightmarish nature – a world where Mother Dearest is dead, is a world I still cannot comprehend. I’m mostly living in denial in this regard and I refuse to accept her absence. I just pretend that she’s safely ensconced in the frail care home and that I’m being the errant daughter by not visiting. This process of (not) dealing with my grief has been working well, until Boss Lady corrected my tenses when speaking of MD.
FUCK OFF! If I want to speak about MY mother in the present tense, then so shall it be. Who are you to tell me MY mother was anything? She is, and that’s all there is to it.
And then there’s the scary somes of it. Angel turned 13 on the 3rd of June, started her period on the 3rd of July, and got a boyfriend on the 3rd of August. And somewhere in between all that, she had braces put on her crooked teeth. My little girl is growing up fast and I am nowhere ready for any of it.
Oh and on top of all that, there’s the morbidly discouraging job of mine. There were two resignations within the past month – mine regrettably not one of them. However I am working on remedying that. Yesterday I applied for a position similar to my current one in a related field. Not my ideal job by any means; but at more than double my current salary for less work than I’m doing now, bring it on.
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
~ Leo Tolstoy
The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.
~ Albert Einstein
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
~ Lao Tzu
Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.
~ Mary Shelley, Frankenstein