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On Thursday the 9th of July 2015, whilst driving Star to work, I received a call on my cellphone from Dad.

“Shookie, Mother Dearest passed away this morning.”

My reply was a descent into a heart-wrenching sob, whilst I dropped the phone and attempted the move my vehicle out of peak hour traffic into a quite side-road so that I could probably absorb the news.

My mother was dead.

Just like that. One minute she was a living breathing person on this earth, and the next she was no longer. Gone. Forever.

She has had been ill for several years, since the back op and subsequent four month stay in ICU whilst on a life support; and even more so in recent weeks with Mother Dearest refusing to eat and literally wasting away.

So you would think that I would have expected, if not welcomed her passing and end to her awful suffering.

Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

NOTHING could prepare me for the immense loss and grief I felt [and still feel] upon learning of her death.

I am most certainly relieved that she no longer has to live in such degrading circumstances and her extreme physical pain and discomfort left her body together with her last breath; but what about me?

I am left so heartbroken because no matter what issues I had with her [and I had plenty] she was still my mommy and grandmother to my kids. And the biggest shock is the absolute finality of her death; I cannot hug her one last time, I cannot kiss her one more time; I cannot share my good news again.

Even though I knew the last time I saw her
would be the last time I saw her,
I just want one more time.
Not to say goodbye,
but to say hello.

MOMMY

Mom

So go and run free with the angels
Dance around the golden clouds
For the lord has chosen you to be with him
And we should feel nothing but proud

Although he has taken you from us
And our pain a lifetime will last
Your memory will never escape us
But make us glad for the time we did have

Your face will always be hidden
Deep inside our hearts
Each precious moment you gave us
Shall never, ever depart

So go and run free with the angels
As they sing so tenderly
And please be sure to tell them
To take good care of you for me

~ Author Unknown ~

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