, ,

rearview mirror

I am always reading and regurgitating:

Follow your instincts

Trust your gut

and other maxims relating to hunches; but how much of those emotional (even manifesting in the physical) reactions are out of pure habit?

Take Saturday afternoon for example.

I was driving towards the strip mall to do the dreaded monthly grocery shopping at Pick n Pay. To get myself in the right mood, I had the music blaring, windows down with wind blowing through my hair as though I was in a cabriolet, and I was happily singing along to the Top 40 tunes on a local radio station. Even Angel and her best friend (Dev’s brother’s girlfriend’s daughter) in the back-seat were getting down with me.

So there I was pumping up my mood, when a familiar vehicle drove out of one of the estates I manage, and pulled in traffic behind my Feisty Fiesta.

Fuuuuuck. It’s Fabian.

My stomach dropped and simultaneously the bile rose and burst my throat, as though I had taken a hard punch to the belly, and it was extremely difficult to breathe. Maybe that’s because my heart had stopped beating.

With shaking hands and jelly legs I turned into the parking lot of the shopping center with my saucer-sized eyes glued my rear view mirror to ensure that he wasn’t going in my direction.

I stalled my car several times trying to park as close to the security guards on duty as possible, and by the time I entered the shop I had worked up a cold sweat.

So what brought on the sickening fear and panic attack?

Am I actually still afraid of Fabian?

Or was my reaction to unexpectedly seeing him brought on by past habit?

Last night I lay in the bath ruminating about Fabian, or rather my reaction to him [personally I don’t give a damn about him and generally he does not cross my mind whatsoever] and without boring you with the details of those ramblings, I came to the following conclusions:

  • I am NOT afraid of Fabian.
  • My mind and body reacted to memories of the past and not events of the present.
  • I can’t always trust my mind – she plays games on me.
  • This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.

[and believe it or not, Fabian wasn’t even included in the four exes that have appeared lately!]