Be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it. And I’m not reciting the monotonous lyrics of Pussycat Dolls’ When I Grow Up.  Oh no, I’m referring to my bright idea of finding a crush to chat with.

As you are no doubt aware, I was devastated when Gareth Cliff left 5fm as he has been my early morning companion for about seven years and I don’t deal well with sudden change and new habits. *insert panic attack*

I was absolutely thrilled to find out that he had launched a multimedia site whereby you could audio stream his podcast either via Wechat or the website itself.  As I don’t have speakers attached to my work PC, I had no option but to download the WeChat application on my BB in order to get my daily dose of darling Cliff.

Yay. Happy days again.

On Tuesday evening I was fiddling with my phone and decided to see what other functions this foreign We Chat had on offer. First it suggested a large percentage of my telephone contacts, which I accepted to add. Thereafter it recommended that I augment my new contacts with those on my email. Okey dokey – done.

Then I found another button offering me People Nearby. Oooh, that looks interesting.

*click click*

It provided me with the profile of quite a number of people that were apparently in my vicinity and it even gave their approximate distance to me. Great for stalking! After perusing my could-be neighbours, I exited that function and returned to re-listen to Gareth’s interview with JuliAss.

Before I could even get to the hilarious parts, my phone started going crazy. Bubbles coming up notifying me of new greetings from, well strangers. About thirty men and one woman [looking for domestic work, not a hot lesbian love affair] had sent messages.

Oh la la.

With a cocktail [Smirnoff Storm + Apple Sours + Dragon Energy Drink] in hand, I sat back and opened the first message, together with the accompanying profile picture of the sender. I wasn’t able to delete any of the men [and woman] who held no interest, so I ignored those and added the cute, hot, good-looking or appealing profiles; and then got to replying to their greeting.

By midnight it was evident that this application was aimed at those looking for casual sex. I know this, because ever guy I chatted with made it clear that my booty is what he was after it. One foreigner even the audacity to ask me what I was doing with the App if I wasn’t looking for sex.

Oh my god. Seriously?

I started chatting with a rather young guy, for the fact that he hadn’t propositioned me within the first five minutes of our conversation. Unfortunately when he started hit me with “what is your favourite item of clothing” [still preferable to “what are you wearing”] and thereafter one of those “would you like you hug me, kiss, me, have sex with me, date me” questionnaires, I deleted him. Very childish for a 26 year old!

Then I commenced chatting with a guy my own age. Old in my books, but after little Jared, I was in need of adult company. We were off to a good start, he knew Rumi poetry, came across as very spiritual and not once asked for my bra size or when could we meet.

I kept him around whilst making acquaintance with cute guy in his early 30’s who lived a block away from me who had recently moved up from Durban and was looking to make friends. We also seemed to get on quite well, without any overtures of a sexual nature.

And that was it. Out of 30 initial encounters, and counting every time I opened the app; it was abundantly clear that We Chat was a hook up site for one night stands.  I know I haven’t had any sex for ever and counting, but I’m really not interested in bed hopping with strange men, or women.

Yesterday I continued chatting to My-Age-Mo and Neighbourly-Ryan.


Mo confessed that he had 10 children.

With one on the way.


A first child from his first wife. 4 kids with his second wife; he adopted his 3rd wife’s three kids and they have two kids together with another one about to pop out. Oh and he’s still married to wife number three … and number two.

Again, WTF?

I didn’t wait to find out if he was kidding [pardon the pun] with me, and instead deleted him. I was so shocked that I deleted poor innocent Ryan too, not giving him the inevitable opportunity to say / do something to piss me off. I was just not willing to take the chance.

Not wanting to take any chances, I deleted the entire We Chat application. Sorry Gareth, I love you dearly; but you come with way too much baggage.

Back to square one.